…
Have you ever been overwhelmed with thoughts, emotions, or ideas? I’ll just assume your human and you have I think. As they pile up, each new thought bounces radically, like an over-inflated ball. They bounce, and shake, and toss themselves to and fro with no remorse. Some are larger, some more fleeting, but all are made of the same critical compound. Creative spark as the core, wrapped in a fabric of Perspective. Often, two of these little idea spheres may collide as they venture randomly in the open void of the mind, and where as sometimes the reaction is harmless, other times unfortunate chance will smash together two very opposing ideas, and in such cases the result is catastrophic. This is largely why Ambivalence is such a dangerous state for one to be in. Powerful, conflicting thoughts. Anyways, when so many thoughts are abound, the only relief comes when the jagged corners of your mind “pop” those spheres flat, (somewhat cruelly at times), sending them falling down into the Abyss. Down and down they go, you see, nothing but carcasses of their former selves; their tragic remains having become nothing more than just the Fabric, with none of the Fury. Now you’ll have to allow me to clear up a small point here. When most people are confronted with the word Abyss, they assume said chasm is endless. Bottomless. Or something to the like. Although this Abyss of which I speak IS very deep, it is, as has been decided, by all means finite. Herein lays the problem.
How long can all these dead thoughts fall before that Abyss begins to fill I ponder to myself? I would suggest it takes much less long then is safe. Because, as it turns out, MY own mind is reaching a full point rapidly, and yet the thoughts continue to flow faster than ever. Fury and all. Dangerous force and rapid motion, all overheating my brain, fueled by a conflict that, as Fate would have it, is between Irony and Reality…
…
What to do, what to do? I’ve racked my mind a thousand times with that question the past two weeks. Ha ha, and like I ever expected an answer. I can never answer my own questions. A personal curse it would seem. But this time I have no one to turn to for advice. Because this time EVERYONE, (all the worthy ones at least), seems to be involved. Too involved. And it’s left me lost.
Irony is all I’ve ever known, and my promises to her run deep. I don’t know if she could make it if I left. I don’t even know if I have strength enough that she’ll make it with me there. It may very well be a lost cause, but I owe it… I owe it to lost causes everywhere to give her the best chance I can. And I want to give her the chance, but it’s… by no means easy. It shouldn’t be I guess though. Especially for a self-proclaimed Guardian, one who puts all others before me. That burden I have taken on myself. Still, others have begun to suffer in this, besides me. Others that can’t be ignored. Who are too important to be ignored. I speak of Chaos and Reality chiefly.
What I thought I might be to either of them, I don't know now. What I would like to be, I can’t. In truth, Can’t seems to be the call word that permeates all thoughts of affection these days. And I don’t mind that it hurts me. I’m used to it. But to see it hurting them… is unbearable. And thus the Thoughts I spoke of, endless, Furious, and vast in number travel through my mind, filling it rapidly as I try to undo what I’ve done. To fix another grand mistake. Yet for all my struggles, no solution. Never my own solution. So, please, if you would… help me with this one. I’m only close to desperate ha ha…
Forever yours,
Perspective
Quote for the Day: “Because that is what it’s about, right? Preservation of life? Of life worth living, and love worth dying for?...”
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Poetry 2 :)
Ha ha a poem I never gave someone... wasn't that good anyways.
Your a living Hope with brighest eyes,
And a soul lit up by fireflies -
Whose liquid light does softly show,
And cause thy palest skin did glow.
For you do shine my dearest one,
As if your heart were made of Sun,
As if your words were made of Stars,
And hearing them no right of ours.
And this been said I tell you true,
My own Heart holds a place for you,
I tell you this my brighest Moon,
And wait again to see you soon...
Your a living Hope with brighest eyes,
And a soul lit up by fireflies -
Whose liquid light does softly show,
And cause thy palest skin did glow.
For you do shine my dearest one,
As if your heart were made of Sun,
As if your words were made of Stars,
And hearing them no right of ours.
And this been said I tell you true,
My own Heart holds a place for you,
I tell you this my brighest Moon,
And wait again to see you soon...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Newest Irony. Saddest Hearts.
She wouldn’t believe me if I said that, just like her, when she’s not paying attention… I stare. Then I turn away, in shame.
I’ve spent the better part of my life very much more concerned with helping others then I have ever been concerned for myself. As far as self-worth goes… well, I have none. No matter what accomplishments I make, what triumphs, what aspirations filled… I will never be worth more then any other person. Never. I would die for a stranger. I would put myself below the lowest scum of the Earth, because rightfully I deserve nothing more. And now I’ve done everything to prove that. I’ll explain…
I couldn’t do it any more… be “all things to all people”. I had for so long – so long - and slowly the mask of stone I wore to convince myself, but chiefly everyone else, that I could handle it was wearing away. Exposure… exposure of my own frailty was nearing. Something new needed to happen. So I drastically reduced the number of people I tried to help. I went from everyone… to only the worthy causes. The strong-willed and hopeful. She was among the best of these. And if not for timing, who knows? Maybe I would’ve been able to make her happy like I wanted too. Just maybe. But so much for the sugar-cube empire, right? Because no matter what I choose, I always choose wrong. And among choices I regret… this one is paramount. This one cut deep, and no matter how much I wish it, the cuts weren’t on me.
I don’t know how I thought it would work. Maybe I just avoided really thinking that far ahead at all. But I did know what I was doing. I was making her happy. Letting her like me. I was trying to let her see what I saw… in her. I’m still not sure if I've ever managed to do any of that. But what I am sure of is that this girl is one of the most likable strong-minded girls I’ve ever met. She understands the value of being a child inside, like me. She has everything going for her, save some confidence issues, but refuses to see that sometimes. She is remarkably entertaining, and more then a little cute. I want to like her – who wouldn’t? – but I also knew and know now well, (with time this became increasingly clear), that despite all my wanting I have another girl who has stolen my heart some time ago, and is holding it very selfishly. A relationship I thought wouldn’t work with her was and is trucking along in dangerous seas. But that much I can’t regret.
This is the part that really kills me. Almost funny… yet the word *I* would use is actually Ironic. (If you’ve ever talked with me long enough you’ll know that I happen to be very close with Irony, my first and most undesired mistress). The irony is, I’m almost certain that I could be happier with this girl, and I’m completely certain that a relationship with her would be a much less naturally troubled one. For a big starters, my parents don’t hate her. In fact, I’m fairly sure the opposite is true because of all the praise I’ve said about her at home. But you see I carry on uselessly now because despite whatever truths I tell this girl now, my words will fall on deaf ears.
I've broken her trust I think, and THAT is something unfixable, even to a wanna-be ‘repairman of character’ like myself. But mostly, I worry about… what if I break her heart?
So to cut myself short before I let you all see TOO MUCH how frail and horrid I am, I would like to make a general apology to anyone I have ever tried to help and failed. To anyone I have ever tried to help, and in reality hurt. And now, of course, most especially to her, a friend I should liked to keep forvever.
If I could, I’d let her know that she always makes me happy. If I could, I’d let her know although I may have never reached the truth as fast as I should have, I never lied to her, especially about her character. She is SO strong. If I could, I would fix it… but we’ve all seen how my fixes turn out. But I can’t, and so once again I’m left in bed with Irony… and now this time I may end up short one very sweet girl in my life. Unfortunate, and entirely my fault. Oh well. Till next time, pardon me…
I’ve spent the better part of my life very much more concerned with helping others then I have ever been concerned for myself. As far as self-worth goes… well, I have none. No matter what accomplishments I make, what triumphs, what aspirations filled… I will never be worth more then any other person. Never. I would die for a stranger. I would put myself below the lowest scum of the Earth, because rightfully I deserve nothing more. And now I’ve done everything to prove that. I’ll explain…
I couldn’t do it any more… be “all things to all people”. I had for so long – so long - and slowly the mask of stone I wore to convince myself, but chiefly everyone else, that I could handle it was wearing away. Exposure… exposure of my own frailty was nearing. Something new needed to happen. So I drastically reduced the number of people I tried to help. I went from everyone… to only the worthy causes. The strong-willed and hopeful. She was among the best of these. And if not for timing, who knows? Maybe I would’ve been able to make her happy like I wanted too. Just maybe. But so much for the sugar-cube empire, right? Because no matter what I choose, I always choose wrong. And among choices I regret… this one is paramount. This one cut deep, and no matter how much I wish it, the cuts weren’t on me.
I don’t know how I thought it would work. Maybe I just avoided really thinking that far ahead at all. But I did know what I was doing. I was making her happy. Letting her like me. I was trying to let her see what I saw… in her. I’m still not sure if I've ever managed to do any of that. But what I am sure of is that this girl is one of the most likable strong-minded girls I’ve ever met. She understands the value of being a child inside, like me. She has everything going for her, save some confidence issues, but refuses to see that sometimes. She is remarkably entertaining, and more then a little cute. I want to like her – who wouldn’t? – but I also knew and know now well, (with time this became increasingly clear), that despite all my wanting I have another girl who has stolen my heart some time ago, and is holding it very selfishly. A relationship I thought wouldn’t work with her was and is trucking along in dangerous seas. But that much I can’t regret.
This is the part that really kills me. Almost funny… yet the word *I* would use is actually Ironic. (If you’ve ever talked with me long enough you’ll know that I happen to be very close with Irony, my first and most undesired mistress). The irony is, I’m almost certain that I could be happier with this girl, and I’m completely certain that a relationship with her would be a much less naturally troubled one. For a big starters, my parents don’t hate her. In fact, I’m fairly sure the opposite is true because of all the praise I’ve said about her at home. But you see I carry on uselessly now because despite whatever truths I tell this girl now, my words will fall on deaf ears.
I've broken her trust I think, and THAT is something unfixable, even to a wanna-be ‘repairman of character’ like myself. But mostly, I worry about… what if I break her heart?
So to cut myself short before I let you all see TOO MUCH how frail and horrid I am, I would like to make a general apology to anyone I have ever tried to help and failed. To anyone I have ever tried to help, and in reality hurt. And now, of course, most especially to her, a friend I should liked to keep forvever.
If I could, I’d let her know that she always makes me happy. If I could, I’d let her know although I may have never reached the truth as fast as I should have, I never lied to her, especially about her character. She is SO strong. If I could, I would fix it… but we’ve all seen how my fixes turn out. But I can’t, and so once again I’m left in bed with Irony… and now this time I may end up short one very sweet girl in my life. Unfortunate, and entirely my fault. Oh well. Till next time, pardon me…
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