Seasons

It's been four years since I've experienced the hazy misty madness that is the Fall season in the Northwest. Although maybe I should say "fall" in quotations... Its called based more on a calendar technicality than anything I think. The shine of the sun through the perma-cover of clouds actually makes it one of the brighter seasons we have, though. (Notice I say "we"... I guess you can take the boy out of the northwest, but you can't really take the northwest out of the boy,)

I will miss the leaves though. Don't get me wrong, green is a nice color... but you can only really appreciate the beauty of Spring if you can feel the devastation of a true Fall. One where the world begins to melt around you, dripping in a multicolor of reds and yellows and oranges. The sweet sickly smell of decomposition eventually becomes attenuated after your nostrils adjust to it, but I don't think I'll ever forget it. I actually got a lot of new smells during my time in New York; from the grimy undertones that become a visible smog in the late evening heat of summer, to the strong smell of soy sauce (of all things) after the campus was laced with salt to prevent ice formation during winters.

But the seasons of the North America aren't the only thing I'm here to talk about, in honesty... No, I'm far to egotistic to let you all get away with just that. I also wanted to bring up a far more ethereal "seasonal" change, having to do with recent events in my own life. In case anyone missed it, I recently graduated college (whoooo) which is bringing up a fair storm of changes as far my own personal little world is concerned. Firstly, (as hinted in the above paragraphs) I'm home now. Good ole Washington; the good, the bad, and the coffee addicted. Secondly, someone else important to me has also moved back home... allowing us for the first time after four years (mostly) apart to finally have the chance to live with one another. This means the world to us. There are third, fourth, fifth, etc. things going on as well, but in reality I'm to lazy (or tired) to even think them all up right now.

New job, eventually a new apartment, new life... a lot of new. But its mixed in with some old things I had forgot about too... Old places, old friends... and yes old seasons!

The although the seasons may be the same as I left them, I have a feeling I'm in for an entirely new adventure. Hopefully I pick up a few more folk to share it with along the way :)

Forever yours and pumping with nostalgia,

Perspective

Twinkle

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Why are you so very far?

Up above the world so high,
Well beyond our loudest cry.

Twinkle twinkle little star...

How I wonder who I am.

~ Perspective

Experiment in Absence

I took away the heat, and I became cold.
Winter is my blanket now.

I took away the pounding drums, and all was quiet.
But who's that whispering?

I took away the light, and darkness fell.
Let the games begin.

Time is inconsequential.
Absence is an unfamiliar medium.

I start to panic.
My pen starts to shake as the shivering intensifies,
and the silence starts to wear on my nerves.

In a moment of weakness I try and open my eyes.
To let the light back in, drown in it if I can.
That's when I realize...

My eyes were open already.
The night, starless, had made the choice for me.
No turning back.

And so I waited. Moments passed.
Time is inconsequential.
Reevalulation.

I took away the heat,
Winter is my blanket now.
I can feel my lungs fight to boil the midnight air.

I took away the pounding drums.
But who's that whispering?
I can hear pen scratch against pad, and my own breathing shallow.
Somewhere on owl "coo's", but I can't quite make out what he's saying.

I took away the light.
Surely, the games is on.

My fingers numb, tiredness crawls into my bones.
Surely none of this is legible now, but I will remember.
I can see the words, pages turning in my head.
I brush my fingers over the words and feel wet ink.
I had forgotten that feeling.

Absence. Absence is a funny medium.
And you know, I think I might like it.
It's a much needed start.

*Note*

I took these words exactly as they were written on the pages, or as near as I could tell anyways.

Also, a little hot cocoa goes a long way to revitalize sore cold fingers :)

Back to the heat, and the pounding drums, and the light.

I hear the owl again. Wordy little avian...

I miss you all.

~ Perspective

Words like violence.

Drifting, swiftly.... wandering through infinity.

My mind tries to breach the pollution of life, but sanctuary, I fear, is a forgotten place.

No thought is pure, every synapse fired by an alien source.

Words like violence,
notes bearing knives...

I wonder how anyone could hope to have an original thought in such a stimulation-driven world.

If ever there was a time to envy the deaf and blind, I envy you now.

For I have seen true beauty, and heard the modest music of nature... But never will I know the sound of my own thoughts congealing, and never will I see the the evolution of an idea in my own minds eyes.

Those days are done for me, unless fortuitous discovery grants me a new sanctuary.

And until such time I sing...

Words like violence.

Living on a Prayer (12/12!!)

There is ONE extra special important line in this song haha!! We're HALF WAY THERE!!! Gah I can't even begin to realize what that means haha!! Two years of college, of hard work, and the best part.... two more, and its all us!! We can do what we want, live where we want... anything we want is right there in front of us!! Camaro's, puppy dogs, funky painted walls... haha you know I can't wait for that ;)

Just 2 more years... that's it :) But first, I have to get home for this summer... which is most certainly nothing I want to miss!! Soon sweetheart... And with plans for plenty of entertaining things!!

And that wraps up CD XII... Half way there!!! :)

Love always,

~ Perspective

L-O-V-E (11/12)

You had to know this was coming haha... I mean, I did spend an entire day or so humming it ;) So here are the lyrics, and you can consider yourself I didn't serenade this song with you like my friends wanted me to haha!! L-O-V-E you!!!

L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you

(trumpet instrumental)

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you
Yes, love was made for me and you

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you

Sick Muse (10/12)

Oh how I do love Metric haha... damn weird girl bands :) Anyways, this song helps fill out the "well rounded music selection" criteria I hold myself too when I decide to make you another other other other other other other other other other other other other (thats 12 right?) CD :) Which is important!! Because like I've always said, you don't have to like all of it... but I damn well better make sure you like something haha!!

But yeah, I *think* this song represents that typical "love sick" feeling haha... I say think because you've informed before that songs weren't about what I thought they were haha. Either way, at times like this, when we're SOO close to each other but not quite there, songs like this mean much more!! Because I absolutely can't wait to see you haha... as much as I have here, nothing compares to you :) I think it's just because you know me to well haha...

So I hope you enjoy, and if not, there are 11 other chances that you will!!

Only You (9/12)

Only You by Kaskade (ft. Haley)

It's you, only you can be everything to me
Only you.
How I'd try to deny or hide?
Put away my pride, only you

I'll repeat this phrase through all my days,
With my last breath, only you
I'll repeat this phrase through all my days,
With my last breath, only you

Only you (repeat this phrase) - x8

And it shows, because my heart beats so,
I will always know, only you.
Beautiful, so beautiful,
All this love is full, only you

I'll repeat this phrase through all my days,
With my last breath, only you
I'll repeat this phrase through all my days,
With my last breath, only you

Only you (repeat this phrase) - x8

Appropriate reasons for including this song? First, the simple (repeated a bajillion times) lyrics fit quite well :) I mean... they aren't exactly mysterious to figure out haha... "Only you"... aka you are my hot chick, my only hot chick, the only hot chick in the history of all the chicks... and that should be pretty straight forward haha!!

Second reason... what's a playlist that doesn't have a little techno in it? ;) Not as fun as some of the other techno songs with the really deep base and the parts that go "wub wub" and all that, but still necessary haha!! So here it is, song number 9 haha.

Chase This Light (8/12)

Chase This Light by Jimmy Eat World

I'm a suspect, I'm a traitor,
I'm only here in body visiting.
Yellow faces in the distance screams,
"The beauty is in what isn't said,"
I'm rising to my feet,

Because tonight, the world turned in me.
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,
Tonight, oh chase this light with me.

My just so, my last call,
My life is yours in your gifted hands.
Confetti rainfall in a quiet street.
These things I've found are special now,
The knot is in my reach,

Because tonight, the world turned in me.
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,
Tonight, oh chase this light with me.

A movie, still photograph,
Through a martyr's eyes can I see,
I've seen the best of love, the best of hate, the best reward is earned,
And I've paid for every single word I ever said.

Confetti rainfall in a quiet streets.
The beauty is in what you make it,
So get up on your feet.

Because tonight, the world turned in me,
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,
Tonight, oh chase this light with me.
Because tonight, the world turned in me.
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,
Tonight, chase this light with me.

Sometimes, you just have to know you have someone there for you haha. The odds are stacked against you, things are changing... whatever it is, a familiar voice can do wonders for an unsettled mind. And you are most certainly my familiar voice, my familiar touch... everything I can count on :) No matter what I'm up against, not listening when you say its gonna be alright just seems ridiculous!! Because unlike other things where you aren't always so right haha, you almost always right when it comes to the "its gonna be alright" situations :)

And so I plant me feet firm, and get ready to stand against whatever challenge comes next. Because worst case scenario, if I fall, if I fail... you're right there behind me to catch me and shove me back up on my feet :) Thank you so much for that!!

Love always

~ Perspective

We Believe (7/12)

I guess more than anything this is just a general "good meaning" song haha. You already know that some songs that make it to these CD's simply do so because I like them :) This one is kinda like that... Because more than a feel good song, it's a think well song. And thinking is something we definitely need to be able do every once in a while!!

And maybe even more than thinking... it's something else. Like pondering maybe haha... or some other fancy cinnamon. (Uh, I meant synonym haha) It is meant to listen to, and tune out everything else for a bit, and get a little perspective!! And I don't see anything wrong with a little reality check... or a little day-dreaming for that matter haha... and for me at least, this song has an equal chance to induce either :)

Sooo... I hope you enjoy!! Aaand your face is cute!! Aaalso, I like adding extra vowels to the first words of sentences, 'cause I find it invigorating ;)

Still believing :)

~ Perspective

Dog Days Are Over (6/12)

Dog Days are Over by Florence and the Machine

Happiness, hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming so you better run

Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses
Cuz here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had
And what was left after that too. oh.

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height
By someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses
Cuz here they come

Run fast for your mother and fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses because here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses because here they come

Maybe this one you can tell me... why do we like this song haha? Personally I can't decide haha, because usually its either the lyrics or the beat. But this one... I'd take either separately and it would probably make two songs I loved almost as much :) Or maybe both just represent the same things... which to me when I hear this song, I think of happiness, and freedom... so of course when those two things come to mind, I think of you haha!! But anyways, whatever happiness or magic exists inside of this song, I don't want to probe it too much. I'd hate to accidentally kill whatever makes me smile about it :) So lets just agree to listen to it really loud haha!!

(That way we can't hear when I sing along) ;)

~ Perspective

Walking on Air (5/12)

Well, ignoring the prevalent creepy factor of this song haha... Which definitely exists... there are two important things to know about this song:

1. I thought the music video was cool, even if it was strange haha.

2. "Walking on air..." this, among other lyrics in this song most definitely remind me of you haha!! You do make me feel like I'm walking on air sometimes... especially when I'm feeling extra euphoric, remembering the infinite number of fun times we've had!! And imaging what's left to come haha!!

So sometimes I grab my headphones and just play this song extra loud... hell I just play this whole playlist extra loud and lay in the sun somewhere and smile. You do that to me a lot haha... make me wanna lay down and spontaneously smile :)

That's just how amazing you are haha!!!

Ps: Half way there, 5 more to go!! The lyrics to this are below... the extra important ones are italicized :)

Walking on Air by Kerli

La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la

There's a little creepy house in a little creepy place
Little creepy town in a little creepy world
Little creepy girl with her little creepy face
Saying funny things that you have never heard

Do you know what it's all about
Are you brave enough to figure out
Know that you could set your world on fire
If you are strong enough to leave your doubts

Feel it, breath it, believe it
And you'll be walking on air
Go try, go fly, so high
And you'll be walking on air

Feel this, unless you kill it
Go on, and you're forgiven
I knew that, I could feel that
I feel like, I am walking on air

She has a little creepy cat and a little creepy bat
Little rocking chair and an old blue hat
That little creepy girl, oh, she loves to sing
She has a little gift, an amazing thing

With her little funny eyes of hazel
With her little funny old blue hat
She will go and set the world on fire
No one ever thought she could do that

Feel it, breath it, believe it
And you'll be walking on air
Go try, go fly, so high
And you'll be walking on air

Feel this, unless you kill it
Go on, and you're forgiven
I knew that, I could feel that
I feel like, I am walking on air

Flitter up, and
Hover down, be
All around, be
All around

You know that I love you
Go on

Feel it, breath it, believe it
And you'll be walking on air
Go try, go fly, so high
And you'll be walking on air

Feel this, unless you kill it
Go on, and you're forgiven
I knew that, I could feel that
I feel like, I am walking on air

I am walking on air

Secrets (4/12)

Two fantastic reasons for putting this song on this list of songs: One, its in the movie The Sorcerer's Apprentice which has physics in it and I really like it haha!!

And two... you definitely own all my secrets :)

I mean, its sorta hard to say I have secrets, because I tell you everything (unless I forget I didn't already tell you something because I assume I tell you everything haha)... But I suppose that to everyone that isn't you I could have secrets. You just know so much about me!! And I absolutely love it that way :)

But if I ever procure any secrets, I'll try and make sure they are fantastic extraordinary super secret secrets... Just so you can be the only one in the whole world to know them :) Which sounds to me pretty much how it should be haha...

Oh and PS, don't tell anyone, but I am 100% a ninja haha ;)

Call to Arms (3/12)

***
I'd like to say that you're my only fear
And when I dream it slowly disappears
And when I wake I'm right here by your side
To feel your heart beat in and out of time
***

"I'd like to say that you're my only fear" <-- This statement is completely and totally true... I think haha. At least if you take it how I do :)

Generally it's considered bad to fear something, which in most other cases I would agree with haha. But this... this is something very special!! Since I've started dating you, you have slowly stolen my fears away, one by one. I don't know where you put them, (maybe locked up in a closet somewhere), but they are definitely gone. And you know what? I don't mind that one bit haha... because with each new fear you take, I become a stronger person. I'm not sure if you know how amazing that is :)

You have made me feel more confident, less stressed... I could even say unafraid if not for one obvious counter to that statement. That one of my last remaining real "fears" is losing you haha. Not its not an active fear... not like its something I'm waiting for, or even ever expect. I love you so much, and trust you, and you love me... Really I don't see anything but AMAZING things there haha!! But still, in the back of my mind somewhere, behind the section labeled "Miscellaneous Concerns" maybe haha... I remember that if I was to lose you, that maybe that closet full of fears would find its way back to me. I say maybe, because its possible that the fear I once had about life is long gone and dead somewhere... tied to a boulder at the bottom of Puget Sound maybe haha, but still how can you know?

The only real answer *I* have for myself, is that it's better not to know :) Why should I ever have anything to fear, when I can just stay with you haha? Now I'm not trying to add any pressure on you or anything haha, I'm just saying. You make me happy... and a better person. And it's soooo great :)

I just hope I get to wake up to you a lot more times haha!!

Love,

Perspective (AKA cute guy haha)

The Blood of CuChulainn (2/12)

Music is transcendental. Even the most ancient of texts submit to this powerful notion... like the sirens from the Odyssey who enslave men with nothing but their own melodic voices, music has a special way of holding us all. Even in religion those gods or demons in charge of music were especially important among their kin.

Now whether there is something truly magical or spiritual about music is a thought far beyond the comprehension of myself at least, but nonetheless song remains one of the truest forms of communication between individuals and cultures alike.

And with that happy introduction, I give to you my love one of the most spectacular pieces of music I've ever heard... The Blood of CuChulainn. Maybe I'm Irish, and maybe I'm more than a little bias... but this song, this tale of an old Irish hero straight out of mythology, resonates quite strongly with me. Call it my own personal adventure song haha, a tribute to a journey to a far off time and place unbeknown to myself.

Of course the simplest thing would be to give this journey a convenient name , (something like "Life" mayhaps?), and then give this journey a proper mission statement. I was thinking something along the line of We're gonna live forever, if only we can survive today.

And with that much out of the way, there is only one more thing to tend to... a partner to share this journey with :) That's where you come in... my merry marching partner, helping me towards a thousand secret destinations, and infinite laughs along the way haha. And hopefully somwhere along the way we hit a rolling green hills that we can both lie down and die on for awhile haha... die of laughter, and breathlessness, and beauty, and exhaustion :) I only wish haha.

Well that's all for now!!

With all the best hopes for all the best things,

~ Perspective

The Way That I Am (1/12)

The simplest truth I've ever adored... "You take me the way I am."

Never quite an ordinary fellow, what else could I have ever asked of a lover but acceptance, eh? Bearing with me as I am seemed quite daunting enough, without the addition of any precipitant pressures or paltry demands... and so in the mindset of c'est la vie I would have been ready to give up anything and all things good for just that one thing; Acceptance.

Yes, yes but alas, I the Great Underestimater may have also sold my soul for the whereabouts of my other shoe if not for the timely informant who had discovered its location under the kitchen table, so in remembrance of that happy case (and a thousand similar), maybe giving up "anything and all things good" wasn't an entirely big deal anyways. Even still, though, the concept remained strong with me, despite any apparent willingness to end up a soulless, homeless barbarian who had in his possession nothing but one good shoe. I wanted to be accepted for who I was. And therein lied my greatest fallacy...

Only through experience do we learn I suppose, and Oh the abundance of things I have learned in the most recent years. But of particular importance to this article, one thought comes to mind. One phrase... "You take me the way I am."

What a beautiful thing, right? Because in the proper light, it says a lot more than it means I dare say :) For what I see now that I didn't then is that I didn't want to be just accepted... no, not ever. I wanted to be driven. Driven to better-ness in every possible aspect, and that's something simply no one else can do but the one you love most.

Anyone can accept you... and as wondrous a thing that is, never forget that imperfection is the most prominent of all guarantees passed on by the good ole' Universe. And by accepting that state of things, you'll see that you can always be something more for the one you Love.

Starstruck again as always, and forever yours...

~ Perspective

The Way That I Am by Ingrid Michaelson:

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

Vendetta Song

Don’t you fret my little one,
For this life of pain has just begun.
And the double you whimper,
The twice their fun.
So show no fear….

And don’t you let them think they’ll win,
Just take it all, and with a grin.
Shrug it off, Ignore all sin.
But show no fear…

You’re better off for playing dead,
The weak survive that way, they’ve said.
But you are stronger, by Hatred fed.
So show no fear…

And when at last your time does come,
To pay back those for what they’ve done.
Take it slow, be calm young friend,
And enjoy it to its bitter end.

There is no fear…

Hear me now...

I, the heart’s corruptor; you, the blind proof…

…

Why does it happen? Unintentional, that’s what I keep telling myself, it’s unintentional. At least I pray it is. I have no description to fit my curse… no fitting one anyways. It’s as if… as if I have this ability to take a heart, and twist in around mine in circles, making it a co-dependent creature. The heart will feed off mine… grow used to the taste and strength of it. This heart will soften its beat as I beat strong for two, for I am strong and can bare such things. The connection will be strong too, and healthy. Peace everlasting a promise…

… and then I take my prey. Never intentionally, but always still, I become the Hunter. Seduced to my calling by Fate, she tells me it is time to leave… and I the great fool listen with deaf ears and respond grandly. First I tear my heart from its companion and return it to my ragged chest. I leave, and upon my exit I always take the time to let out a great howl towards the moon. Shining jewel that it is, I am its slave. To the shimmering moon and the bitch Fate I answer.

Then I run. I run for days, hunter that I am, seeking whom I shall next devour. And all the while a thought tears at the back of my head… “What am I forgetting?” I can’t quite place it, but I know there is something. Something forgotten. I place the thought, like I wish I never had, and then the image comes… Oh God, what have I done?

What I see is my creation… a tortured mass lying on the ground. Surrounding is a shallow pool of liquid… blood mixed with tears, I think. No matter how hard I shake, I can’t make this figure move… this shell of the one I knew. It is not gone, for beside still lays the heart. Beating weakly; alive still. I did this?

That is when I know again that I am not the Hunter. Fate’s hunter is ruthless, and kills with precision. But at least it shows mercy. But I… am worse. I, the Corruptor. So much more ruthless than one who will give release, I torture long after my leave. These scars I make maim… but never will I let your feelings die. That is my curse you see, that I am not hellish enough. If I was, I could release you… end the pain. But that is a strength I do not have… weak, too weak. How can I stop this?

And so I hide… I hide from you and say little. I stay in dark shadows, and hope you won’t find me. It’s not cruelty that keeps me distant, I swear. It’s the only kindness I’ve ever done. Too many suffer out there in the world on my account. But not you… it can’t be you too. Such a heart you have, a sincere, kind, and loving heart… and because of what I am, I want nothing of that heart. I will destroy it.

You must grow strong, but you must do so independent of my curse. You must live long, so you can understand that this is wisdom. But most of all… you must stay sweet, and never let me touch you… for that will be your end. An end I won’t allow.

Hear me, I beg… and in time, believe. Until then, let me be nothing… your only choice for peace.

~ Perspective

The Left Undone

I knew it was coming. Already it had seemed like so much had come together for it to happen…. but also, so much left undone.

. . .

…Questions…

I looked into her eyes as we stood there silently in the 100 Hall... or at least I tried to ha ha. See it was hard to look her in the eyes when those eyes, those same beautiful eyes, were wandering so much. Questioning… something.

I wanted to know the question so bad it was killing me. See I’m terribly curious even without the extra incentive of caring for someone… so it’s easy to see how standing there I was almost fidgety. What was bothering the girl that I had spent so much time with trying to make her happy, and me happy at the same time? I was willing to beg for an answer if I needed to... I’m talking on my knees and everything if necessary… almost ha ha. Only… maybe not yet. Because when I started to think about it I knew I wasn’t in a situation for answers. I’d have to deal with the fact that there were questions until I myself wasn’t so fragile… it was just better that way I’m sure. In the mean time I was kinda just standing there still, leaving her hanging… so I knew I needed to make a decision. At that point I quit looking for answers… double-checked that the hallway was finally empty (stupid Balcar ha ha)… and then I kissed her. For only a moment…

…

Hmm… So where to start?? See I know that there has already been one history written on the subject… on Chaos, and what she has done and continues to do for me with such loving care… but I know just as well that the first history was clearly… well, incomplete. It very effectively (and intentionally) skipped much of the inconvenient time that occurred between my meeting her and now… but now I see much more clearly how important that in-between time was in creating the now to be everything it is. So now that I know, I *know* how simple it will be for her and me to stay together (yay easy!!), I definitely don’t mind slowly filling in the blanks of this history (probably more for myself then her), and bit by bit if need be. Of course though, this history is one that I hope continues on for longer than I can even imagine. It’s given me so much more to look forward too then I’ve ever thought possible already!! And for, for everything, I will always owe anything I can give to a girl named Chaos. A girl who holds my heart…

…

That night I didn’t know how to feel at all. I think if you would’ve looked up the definition of ambivalence, and then looked at me, and then looked back at the definition, you would’ve noticed more than a few similarities. A part of me was felt like it was unbelievable… something I would’ve never imagined, never thought possible. That part of me was outrageously excited, no hiding it. (Think happy dance ha ha) That part of me put the smile on my face that most other people saw. That part made me believe so many things were still possible; still hopeful. But, unfortunately there was another part of me too. A part that didn’t just exist, but found this terrible way of creeping in the back of all my excited thoughts too. This part of me just kept saying… Hold on, what if I was wrong??

What if I was wrong to have done what I did, to kiss her like that? And then like it usually goes for people, the more I thought, the more I worried about it… until I was so damn worried the only thing faster than my breathing was my pulse ha ha. The effects were kinda just as physical as they were mental. It made me feel sick through my practice that day, and when I wasn’t lying awake excited (which was still a definite considerable amount of the time ha ha) … I was shaking. The whole shaking bit has happened before too… companioned with the same general feeling of shame… a horrific feeling. Definitely up there with guilt, (but still well below hungry ha ha). But at least I can say that I knew exactly where these feelings were coming from. It was no mystery… see like I said, I’d felt all these before. All were pretty much direct consequences of me feeling really really selfish ha ha. I was convinced that whether a good move or a bad move on my part, the timing of it all meant what I had done was definitely a selfish act. Meaning, if I had made a problem for someone else, then it was time for me to do what I usually did best. Fix the damn thing!! Oh man, I knew I had so much to do ha ha…

…

The next day I tried not to make things different... you know, covert emotions and all that. Now if you notice I said *tried* because I have this nasty habit of looking like I feel, so I’m not completely sure that it wasn’t obvious that I was worried. My bad, what can I say? I’m a guy… a kinda obvious one ha ha. For as much that I can recall, the first part went surprisingly well. Of course I say that from the perspective that I was expecting the worst… including but not limited to the possibility that by the end of the day I could be very alone. And for me that’s practically end of the world status!! So needless to say that when I had at least made it through the school day without that or anything else violent happening, I was feeling pretty okay. I felt like with that much out of the way I was more or less safe. Although… there was this slight feeling that something was coming. You know the feeling ha ha… the one that finds you like right when you wake up… (this subtle little knot feeling or something), and then it just insists on following you for the rest of the day. Some call it your gut, others a heightened “alertness”… but whatever it was it was, it was kinda with me then. So of course there I was after school, meeting up with the same girl who I had spent so long thinking about the night before. Her only words were… “So I have the verdict.” That gut feeling I had escalated to something just less than stomach pains ha ha. She had something to say… something that more than likely I didn’t want to hear…

I tried to give the least suspicious “What’s up?” that I could, because honestly I had no idea what she was talking about, leaving the off chance that it was something… well, not destructive ha ha. She started to speak… but I couldn’t pull myself to pay attention to her words yet. No, I was a bit too busy studying her countenance. You see, that is the one thing that years of helping sad girls had given me… more often than not I could read at least something into emotions. The real ones I mean… not just the ones they wanted us to see. Facial expression always counted for something… but a thousand times more useful than anything were the eyes. You could see anything you wanted if you looked in a girl’s eyes long enough. And this girl, with her beautiful blue eyes, was by no means an exception. She had very telling eyes. And they glowed yellow-gold in the sunlight too... Mmm ha ha. Anyways, she didn’t appear too upset… at least that was on my side. She wanted something though, which I guess that meant I should start listening ha ha…

She continued to speak, and I started clinging to the words that made sense to me like they were the last I’d hear from her. Because for all I knew they could be, right ha ha? Anyways it didn’t matter much because the most important fact now was that my curiosity had won out totally, cause as usual I hated the feeling of not knowing. I was definitely ready to just know. So I listened… and heard something along these lines: Apparently she had had a conversation about me with her friend Michael, her self-proclaimed “informant” who had no problem digging up whatever information she wanted ha ha. Before this title has always been a joke between us (a good informant was hard to find I’ll admit)… but suddenly I wasn’t so encouraged by the fact that she had some sort of news about me. It was only fair I guess… but still. The story went on, and after having to ask her several times what “verdict” she was talking about (so very stubborn ha ha), she decided I had suffered enough I guess and told me. She spoke and told me in a very unattached manner, (which in itself was unusual enough), that “The verdict is that you and her are still going out.” Hmm… not good.

...Tough Answers…

All I could really think is… what now?

Of course the statement had some truth in it, but the question came anyways. What now?? See I had already forced this question on myself a good amount of times by this point in the year ha ha. And every time it was entirely my fault, I know. But the worst part was that I was digging myself into plenty of holes with all these questions… and one of these times I knew I was going to dig a little too deep, and I was going to get buried alive down there. Sad, but true ha ha. Of course they wouldn’t be so bad I suppose, all those questions I mean, if I hadn’t started doing something I knew I was terrible at… lying ha ha, and poorly. The pile of lies I had formed was just waiting to come tumbling down. Anyways… this went through my head fairly quickly before I had made my decision. It was really the easiest “decision” I had made in a while when I think about it ha ha. I knew I didn’t want to lie to her… I’d been lying to everyone else plenty… but I needed at least someone to have the truth... someone to trust me at least a little. Someone to hate me as an honest person, instead of hate me as a liar. She needed to know… So I told her

…

I told her what there was to know. I did my honest best to make it the truth… but that doesn’t mean what I was saying would make any more sense, because truthfully there were some things even *I* was confused about. I told her that I was still dating someone else… in a way. Technically we were between two stages of relationship… but if I’ve learned anything since then about technicalities, it’s that they can kill you faster than anything else if you try to force them around on others and yourself ha ha. I told her everything… as open as I could be. I told her because she needed to know… because I knew I was forcing her to make a choice. I gave her as much as I could so that she could know what she was getting in to when she made her decision of whether to keep me as a friend or not. But I knew she’d have to be crazy or something to be my friend after all this. All I got from her was a single “Oh”… I apologized, and that’s the last of the conversation I remember. It’s all kind of blur after that ha ha…

I went on my way, and she on hers… but I swear there were still enough unresolved issues there to choke someone if they would’ve walked through where we were just standing and inhaled it all ha ha. I do recall that there was one thing that surprised me above all else I remember though… something I couldn’t understand until much later. I couldn’t think why, but for some reason she never blamed me for what I did. She never called me a cheater, or a player, or any of the other names for me floating around the school after that. She never blamed me in a situation where it would have been so right of her too. Believe me.. I deserved to be blamed ha ha; I knew that more than anyone else. Yet when I think back… back to those times and the times after then… I don’t think Chaos ever blamed me for any of what happened. And even though she should have, even though she had every right to call me out on what was happening, I think the fact that she didn’t made her the only real friend I had. Someone pleasant to me despite myself ha ha. I owed her immensely for that… and of course still kinda do. (Don’t argue its true!!) She had made a decision that put herself in harm’s way for my sake… a decision that although a bit silly was the most courageous thing I’d seen all year. That girl just kicks so much ass ha ha…

I had to make things right for her…

…Rescheduling…

There was a division made. More often than not this division would start off subconsciously… but it didn’t take long before my conscious self would catch up and realize what I was doing. The division I speak of had everything to do with time.

You see at some point I had decided, (and I’m still fairly convinced this conclusion is sound), that the easiest way to take care of someone is to dedicate as much time to them as possible. It had been working for me already in the past, without a doubt. I knew how completely I took care of anyone once I started counting for them… counting hours that is. Because once I started counting that meant total dedication… that meant I had to think about them every hour of the day. It was… a reminder I guess, and an effective one. Anyways, long story short I did a lot of counting my senior year… and haven’t really stopped yet. It’s been 3,412 hours since I first asked you out on your couch until now when I’m writing this if you wanted to know ha ha… but I don’t count how by hour anymore. I know you know I care J

Anyways… it wasn’t long before I ran in to an important limit to this time theory of mine. You see, it might work remarkably well when you are dedicated to just that one person… but silly stupid me, that wasn’t the situation anymore ha ha. Now I had the one I felt obligated to take care of to be loyal too… and then her, the one I wanted more than anything to make happy. As you can probably guess, all this led to more than a few problems when it came to how to make everybody happy. At first I convinced myself that finding this magic ratio of time that would make everyone happy would be easy… but yeah, not so much. Unfortunately, it seemed magic that powerful only works in Disney movies ha ha, the lucky bastards. No, this time I was gonna have to make a little magic of my own. Good thing I was always up to a challenge ha ha… cause this was definitely challenge mode.

I made it work as well as I could, in the most awkward of ways. Basically, I would either be with one girl or the other, and my entire demeanor would change depending on which one I was with. Eventually I was like two totally different people… the silent, solemn, caring one when I was with one, and the loud, energetic, fun-loving one with the other. I surprised myself sometimes with the sheer oppositeness of the two characters I was playing. I was like Jekyll and Hide and crack ha ha. But it wasn’t hard at all to tell which character I preferred to be more. Fun was what I wanted, lively and loud what I knew. It was strange for me to have to be playing that silent role at all those in between times. It just… really didn’t fit. I think the times I saw most clearly what was wrong was when I was in transition from hanging out with one girl, to the other. It was so damned obvious that I was doing something wrong. See when I would transition from the fun girl to the silent one, I felt… upset. Not only because I was leaving a girl that I knew I should never be stupid enough to leave… but also because I knew what was waiting for me just a few halls over where I was going. It was… melancholy personified. That’s the only way I can really describe it ha ha. But then there was the reverse effect as well. When I’d be leaving that God-awful Japanese hall and headed to AP Lit, ( aka back to the fun girl), I was so happy. I’d be excited… more often than skipping ha ha (hey, skipping is totally masculine)… despite the fact I knew I was about to be tardy to class for like the billionth time. I was going somewhere I actually wanted to go… not going somewhere just because of an old promise I was trying to keep. Gah… me and my promises. I’m glad I’ve only got the good ones left ha ha.

Anyways, those “transitions” happened at least a few times a day, which I’m sure did wonders for my mental state as I kept trying to being something I wasn’t (I swear I’m only a little crazy ha ha!). Eventually I think it became that the fun times I had were more than anything just a remedy for the less-than-fun times. It was my cure… temporary in nature, but completely effective as long as I was in the same room as that girl with the amazing eyes. We were freakin crazy together ha ha… no denying it. But no matter how much cross-fire it created for everyone else, it was very much keeping me sane. Or at least close enough to pass anyways… because no doubt I had a lot of crazy in me. Still do ha ha.

Anyways… it was easy to tell that my life had become more than a little chaotic. Things were still have been shaky, still on edge… but there was something else too. I kinda liked having the Chaos around. In fact, I was ready to see much much more…