Newest Irony. Saddest Hearts.

She wouldn’t believe me if I said that, just like her, when she’s not paying attention… I stare. Then I turn away, in shame.

I’ve spent the better part of my life very much more concerned with helping others then I have ever been concerned for myself. As far as self-worth goes… well, I have none. No matter what accomplishments I make, what triumphs, what aspirations filled… I will never be worth more then any other person. Never. I would die for a stranger. I would put myself below the lowest scum of the Earth, because rightfully I deserve nothing more. And now I’ve done everything to prove that. I’ll explain…

I couldn’t do it any more… be “all things to all people”. I had for so long – so long - and slowly the mask of stone I wore to convince myself, but chiefly everyone else, that I could handle it was wearing away. Exposure… exposure of my own frailty was nearing. Something new needed to happen. So I drastically reduced the number of people I tried to help. I went from everyone… to only the worthy causes. The strong-willed and hopeful. She was among the best of these. And if not for timing, who knows? Maybe I would’ve been able to make her happy like I wanted too. Just maybe. But so much for the sugar-cube empire, right? Because no matter what I choose, I always choose wrong. And among choices I regret… this one is paramount. This one cut deep, and no matter how much I wish it, the cuts weren’t on me.

I don’t know how I thought it would work. Maybe I just avoided really thinking that far ahead at all. But I did know what I was doing. I was making her happy. Letting her like me. I was trying to let her see what I saw… in her. I’m still not sure if I've ever managed to do any of that. But what I am sure of is that this girl is one of the most likable strong-minded girls I’ve ever met. She understands the value of being a child inside, like me. She has everything going for her, save some confidence issues, but refuses to see that sometimes. She is remarkably entertaining, and more then a little cute. I want to like her – who wouldn’t? – but I also knew and know now well, (with time this became increasingly clear), that despite all my wanting I have another girl who has stolen my heart some time ago, and is holding it very selfishly. A relationship I thought wouldn’t work with her was and is trucking along in dangerous seas. But that much I can’t regret.

This is the part that really kills me. Almost funny… yet the word *I* would use is actually Ironic. (If you’ve ever talked with me long enough you’ll know that I happen to be very close with Irony, my first and most undesired mistress). The irony is, I’m almost certain that I could be happier with this girl, and I’m completely certain that a relationship with her would be a much less naturally troubled one. For a big starters, my parents don’t hate her. In fact, I’m fairly sure the opposite is true because of all the praise I’ve said about her at home. But you see I carry on uselessly now because despite whatever truths I tell this girl now, my words will fall on deaf ears.

I've broken her trust I think, and THAT is something unfixable, even to a wanna-be ‘repairman of character’ like myself. But mostly, I worry about… what if I break her heart?

So to cut myself short before I let you all see TOO MUCH how frail and horrid I am, I would like to make a general apology to anyone I have ever tried to help and failed. To anyone I have ever tried to help, and in reality hurt. And now, of course, most especially to her, a friend I should liked to keep forvever.

If I could, I’d let her know that she always makes me happy. If I could, I’d let her know although I may have never reached the truth as fast as I should have, I never lied to her, especially about her character. She is SO strong. If I could, I would fix it… but we’ve all seen how my fixes turn out. But I can’t, and so once again I’m left in bed with Irony… and now this time I may end up short one very sweet girl in my life. Unfortunate, and entirely my fault. Oh well. Till next time, pardon me…